For me, it all began when she went to doctor for the first time in years. She was diagnosed with diabetes and was given blood pressure medication, though she did not have high blood pressure. She took her first dose and subsequently her blood pressure dropped too low, way too low. Apparently she was experiencing acute renal failure.
From this point she was in and out of the hospital for months. No one knew why or what was going on. Finally, in the Spring of 2007 they gave an official diagnosis. My stepdad called me at work and asked me to come over for a family meeting that evening. I showed up, but it was only the 3 of us, not the whole family. That's when she told me that she had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a bone marrow cancer. Up until then, it was the worst day of my life. It was like I was not myself, I was on the outside looking in. I just remember shaking my head and saying "No" over and over again. As I look back on it now, how horrifying is it that a woman suffering with cancer had to comfort her child...I should have been comforting her.
The plan was four rounds of chemo and then a bone marrow transplant. We were all very hopeful. Chemo began the very next week. Those weeks were really hard. The first couple of days were so good because she was doped up on steroids, but then there was the devastating drop...the fatigue, the nausea, the despair. At this point she couldn't even walk on her own because the cancer was eating away ate her bones. She had to either use a walker or a wheelchair. This woman that has been my source of strength and life needed my strength.
She had lost so much weight already, and then in June she lost her hair as well. I remember her saying how she always hated her hair, but now that it was gone she wanted it back. She did not wear a wig, she wore head wraps and hats, she looked so beautiful.
In late July she came down with pneumonia. She was in the hospital for about a week and then moved to ICU. She was so weak she could not cough the fluid out of her lungs. The doctors had to suck it out with a tube. On August 3rd she asked where I was, so I went to her room. Then she asked for my stepdad. I saw that she was starting to look panicky and asked the nurse to give her something to calm her down. That is when she looked at me and the light left her eyes.
The nurse called some sort of code and a whole lot of people came in to attempt to revive her. They put a central line in and put her on a breathing machine. That was the last thing she wanted.
Joe and I went home to rest and I got a call in the middle of the night from my stepdad...he wanted me to come back and help make the decision. I knew she was gone, I saw it that last time she looked at me. The doctor said that there was so much acid in her blood that her organs were starting to shut down. We decided to unplug the machines. I could not watch. Once she took her last breath I came into the room and kissed her goodbye, forever.
That day, August 4th, was also the day that my Aunt had planned a fundraiser for my mom. She was so excited about it, and kept telling the doctors she needed to get out of the hospital so she could go, no one knew that this is how that would happen. For her fundraiser she chose the theme "HOPE". Hope for recovery, remission, a cure. Now I know that she left that hope for my family and I.
These last six years have been filled with such a tangled web of grief (my doctor called it complicated grief), abandonment, PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have been in and out of programs to help me get better, on and off medication, and on disability several times. This has no doubt been the most defining event of my adult life. I cannot explain the depth of my loss, my feeling of complete despair and hopelessness.
It hasn't been until the past year or so that I have started to become me again (whoever that is). I feel like the time that I was supposed to find myself (in my twenties), I was busy just trying to stay alive. Now I am putting things back together. I am remembering the good times, which were abundant! I see her face and I smile. But, I miss her more than I can express, more than anyone will ever know.
Today, again, I will celebrate the abundant, beautiful, amazing, hopeful life of my Mama. For those of you who knew her, you know what I am talking about. I am leaving you with a video of pictures of my beautiful Mama. Please make sure to watch the whole thing because there is an actual video at the end that captures the pure essence of her.
Thank you for listening and letting me share my story.
Great post Lex! Thank you for sharing!! Love you.
ReplyDeleteHi Alex, I was just checking a few of your posts and had a quick question about your blog. I was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance -emilywalsh688 (at) gmail.com- Thanks : )
ReplyDeleteEmmy