Oh baby...

I debated with myself for a long time as to whether I should write this post or not...well, here goes.

Joe and I arrived on St. Maarten on April 13th this year, and as some of you know from previous posts, it was quite of a bumpy ride.  Well, two days after arriving we found out that I was expecting our first child.  We truly didn't know how to respond.  We were happy, but so overwhelmed by everything else that was also going on.  Every time I thought about it my heart was so full, but we were both very careful to get too excited.  Life just seems to work in strange ways for us, so we tend to tread cautiously.

After a couple of weeks we started to tell friends and family.  Everyone was really happy for us...they even started buying baby stuff already.  Now, I know most of you would say that it was too soon to tell anyone, but I am in the school of thought that it is better to have loved ones there for you if something goes wrong...and it did.

It was a Sunday morning before two consecutive holidays on the island (the Queens birthday and Independence day, I think) when I noticed some very light pink blood.  Right away I was worried, but I knew nothing could be done that day.  So we waited.  The next day the blood got darker and there was a little more of it.  At that point I was freaking out, I knew something was wrong.  I was trying to make myself feel better by reading information that explained how normal it is, but in my heart I knew.

No doctor offices were open for the next 2 days, it was truly torturous, but then again, there was really nothing that could be done to stop it.  On Wednesday we went to an OBGYN and told him the issue (after waiting for 2 hours in the waiting room).  He did a regular ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound...he could not find a heartbeat and he could not find the fetus.  Our worst nightmare had become reality, I lost the baby.

I cried and cried and cried, but only for a day, maybe a day and a half.  I watched my body expel my baby for about 10 days, it was truly horrifying, but I told myself that I had been through worse and I just needed to move forward, and I did.  But, the last couple of days I have been flooded with grief.  I can't even explain the longing to have what could have been, the loss of so many dreams for the future.  I am so angry and disappointed.  Angry for feeling like we had done all the right things, but still got f'ed.  Disappointed that we will never have a family here with that baby.

Recently I have been thinking about my mom holding my baby in heaven, so happy.  That picture warms my heart, but at the same time it makes me remember that I don't have either of them here with me.  My heart breaks every time I think about it, I literally feel like my chest is going to explode.  Nothing can stop the tears.

I know I will get through this, but I am hurting.  Little did I know that the 15th of this month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I ask that you just pray for all the women and families that have lost pregnancies and/or babies.  It is an excruciating event in so many lives, mine included. 

I try to find comfort knowing that Jesus was the first face that our baby saw, and that my mom is holding him or her in her arms right now.  I miss you both so much and I love you with all my heart.  I am now an angel mommy.